on depression

goodness me – ruddy depression – never in my last 60 odd years did I imagine using me and depression in the same sentence

it’s pretty horrid – and if I believed it was true depression, I would embrace it and fit into the box – but I don’t – I really think that I am deeply sad and engulfed by grief which is rendering me a tad useless generally

and for fuck’s sake – it can fuck off right now – as far as it can go – in fact, I’m going to wrap it up as a gift, and order it a taxi to be delivered to anyone who thinks they are missing out on something – my gift to the world: a sense of self that I abhor…

perhaps that is not very kind – but what are my other options? keep it? no! flush it down the loo? if I could! however, that kinda gets into the whole water system across the globe – and I think I should reserve it for that one special person who wants it – not to be shared equally – that seems unethical and inequitable!

so who is it that wants it? is that my business? I think not

perhaps a better question is – what do I want instead?

that is easy

I shall make a list

fun

peace

tranquility

music

rest

working at something that excites me and makes me smile

smiles

community

simplicity

courage

generosity

love

there are many other things I want that don’t immediately spring to mind

but I know for sure that I want to hug my nearest and dearest

and let them know how much, how deeply, how unselfishly I love

if I can …if I am indeed unselfish …

it’ll come ….

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off the track

DSC_0050I wrote a bit about being off track recently – and then I went on a ten day doggy-sitting gig for a friend, which entailed driving 100 miles to her home

I have driven the route enough times to be confident about not using my satnav, but I still turn it on because it gives me an idea of how much further to go and arrival time. I have a state of the art Garmin which all but tells me what I had for breakfast today, but out of laziness I chose to use the one fitted in the car. It is a tad out of date, so it regularly encourages me to go down roads that no longer exist – many are being pedestrianised in the town centres, but I am too lazy to update it …

I was trundling home heading North along the A11, which was widened a couple of years back. Eventually I got to the newer part of the road where my satnav went into a tizzy and begged me to get out of the forest and back onto a real road – I swear I heard it telling me that it warns me about this every time we do the trip!

Obviously, that is merely my overactive imagination. You guessed? ha, you know me well.

The confusion my technology had with my car driving through what was once a piece of Thetford Forest got me thinking about what we see, what we believe, what is true, what is illusion

I was perfectly safe, driving along a perfectly lovely piece of road, but because the car system is outdated, it got confused

perhaps we all need to look at what is guiding us. are we sometimes being led astray by old information, outdated thinking? I know I am – I put my hand up to that – but I also know that now that I am aware of it, I shall be checking on how I view my instincts

are my instincts and reactions up to date with me and the rest of the world, or are they running an old programme?

I firmly, utterly and entirely believe in going with my gut instinct, but laziness may have contributed to some of them being off-kilter. They are now on a 20 minute warning – get up to speed! because outdated info is never going to serve anyone

I wish you luck with your guidance system – mine is getting overhauled as we speak …..

on the right track?

many of my friends, too many of my friends, across the globe, are noticing that they have gone off track …the track they thought would be taking them wherever they needed to be, where they thought they were heading …and yet seems to have disappeared from beneath their feet.
the reasons are varied, but the underlying story is the same. accomplished women. women who have raised beautiful families, whose children are a delight to know, women who are more than able to be the leaders in which ever country they live in, women,who I hold in high esteem …one by one, they are saying the same thing – they have lost direction, they have considered or are taking anti-depressants. they feel far less accomplished and able to do things that they would have done without batting an eyelid a short while back. they are, like me, feeling battered and bruised by the volume of things that are happening around us all

I have said in about a hundred different ways, that the past year has been so tough for me, I have felt incapable of being fully functional, I have cried out for help (and because I have great people in my life, have received all the support that they could muster.) I am slowly healing, and it seems that my friends are all at different stages of healing. I wonder what it is that is really knocking us all sideways?

how can this be? how can capable, professionally trained and successful women be considering spending their days staring into space, or only just managing to create the facade that things are okay? finding air to breathe seems to be a challenge. what has gone wrong?

I was so scared when I started feeling that life was too much for me. I bandied the idea of dementia of some sort setting in …you know, considering that I am closer to 100 than 20 ….only just …but still…. I have since discounted that fear – because my story is way too close in mirroring stories of others who are older, younger, closer, far away, fit, unfit, healthy, unhealthy ….for me, right now, there is no real pattern to thinking we are all sinking into dementia, and it soothes my soul to think I am not!

then I got to wondering about getting off track, trying to get back on track, and whether there is validity in thinking that there is a track we are supposed to be on at all. it is surely okay to sit beside the track, look at it for a while …a day, a month, a year …and see whether this is the path we want to be on. all roads lead to Rome, they say – so I am giving up on getting back on track – I came off mine because it was not serving me in some way. it may well have been serving others while I was doing what I was doing, but now I am in search of the New whatever-it-is. not searching high and low, but being aware of what comes along and judging whether it suits me to join in, or the time may come when I set out on a perfectly new track or path

whatever unfolds, I am sure that it is the best possible path for me – and you will find yours, my friends ….and if you get back on the old one, I shall celebrate that with you. we came to a crossroads and its our choice to go left, right or onwards …or turn back to the place from which we came ….

on making decisions

oh, my track record sucks! I tend towards being impetuous and spontaneous a lot of the time. it is sometimes annoying both for myself and others. I can change a plan in a heartbeat, which can be either a strength or a weakness

but when it comes to making a decision that will alter my life in a significant way, I can mull, long and hard ….whether to stay in my marriage or not took me about 14 years longer than it should have done. I took my children into consideration and believed they would benefit in some way if I stayed – and they did, to a degree. but the sacrifice of my self in the process was perhaps not my finest years.

I stayed in a job many years longer than was necessary, too. I have spent many years thinking about the reasons behind my hesitance about leaving jobs and relationships, and never really understanding it. I can use a lot of logic to explain it all, but I recognise that I have difficulty in moving from one thing to another. It extends to standing on the shore, or at the poolside – changing from fresh air on my body, to the possible cold water in front of me has also seen me stuck for what seems like aeons but is usually only minutes

what can I learn from this, though? I need to learn something because currently I am sitting quietly while I wait for a change in my money-earning situation. and that is okay for as long as it feels okay – but I definitely feel that something is stirring, that things have to change soon, and that it is up to me to do the changing. and therein lies the rub – I clearly resist change! a tad bizarre if one takes into account my deep desire for constant change – I have often related that my furniture gets dizzy being moved from pillar to post. oh my word, a psychologist would have a field day with me. I resist and I love and embrace change – it merely depends on what sort of change it is.

okay – to unpack this – the furniture moves regularly as a way of taking control of my surroundings and comes from a place of thinking ‘ I can make this look / work / feel better’. I am very sensitive to my surroundings, and as I age, I see it more and more. The things I avoid touching or noticing – averting my eyes from that which does not appeal to me

I have to laugh – I usually write, edit and publish. this is the first time I have created a draft of a post, and I have no way of deciding how to say what I am trying to say – I am not sure I even know where this is going – except, I am going to publish it. It is such a beautiful visual reminder for me to read in a year or so, seeing how I am struggling with the decision about this almost meaningless post! I cannot decide …and that is the long and the short of it.

I am however, deciding to publish and then get on with the subject that I feel needs to be written, for my own mental wellbeing…..so – publish, and click on write …and off I go! bye for now

I am …changing my story

You were about to be blessed with a sad tale of how frustrated I feel …about a few things, but very important things, life changing things …..but

 

it cannot be my story forever – and the more attention I give to these things, the worse they seem

so I shall share with you some of the things that are working well for me

I am relatively healthy. I take no chronic medication as many of my peers do

I am dealing with my level of fitness. I have joined a gym and am currently only joining in the aqua classes, but it is a start and I am proud of the effort I am making

I am always willing to learn new things. currently I am signing up for some alternative health practice training and also courses that will improve my photography – there is much room for improvement!

I am kind and generous. I see kindness and generosity in others and as many of us know, if you’ve got it, you spot it

I am in awe of how much I have faced in the past few years. I am also looking forward to feeling the healing of all those wounds. the healing is happening, slowly but surely – heard about the tortoise and the hare? slowly can still be a winner

I am in love with my nearest and dearest. very much so. I literally do give them as much as I can, perhaps too much at times, but I am okay with that. too much is a judgment call, and who needs those?

I am aware (which is a good thing, right?) of how my hesitance about some things holds me back. and since I am aware of it, I can change it. I can dig deep and find the courage to face things, so the awareness and being awake to the stumbling block will help me to overcome it

 

every day, in every way, things are going better and better

always look on the bright side of life

the glass is half full – with stuff – and half empty – with life giving oxygen ….so it’s all good in my glass

I came to the room to heal the room …there is nothing else

I came to the planet for a reason, and whether I am aware of it or not, I guess I am doing okay. No-one told me it would be easy. No-one told me it would be difficult. It all just is ….

if things were meant to be different, they would be.

and when things are different, when things are the way I truly pray they will be, when things feels more at peace in my soul, I am not going to have more fun….fun is a distraction from peace and tranquility of the soul. all that will change is the sense of peace when I awake each morning …

all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well ….

 

on limitations

argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours!

one of my favourite lines in Illusions written by Richard Bach.

honestly, pretty much every line in that book is my favourite. I got the book in 1979 and I think I have read it once or twice each year since then. and I shall continue to read it, because I find it so inspirational, and it was the book that changed my life in some way. it awoke me to what I had always known deep inside but had never explored or verbalised. I was raised in a situation that tended towards superficiality. my parents loved and cared deeply about many things and many people, but we skimmed over anything with depth. we argued for our limitations, and sure enough …..

as the years plod along, there is part of me that is buying into the idea of age. old age. age that limits one physically and mentally. it is not true, but oh my goodness, it is part of a huge mass consciousness that is a challenge to disregard

earlier, I was trying rather inexpertly to cut back a lot of overhanging growth that surrounds the entrance path to the house. it makes me feel unwelcome when I get out of my car and leaves me feeling that I have to duck my head on the way onto the property. it limits me. it limits my sense of expansiveness and space in which to grow and breathe freely

of course, it doesn’t really do that. I just feel that way. it doesn’t seem to bother others who approach the house, so perhaps I could learn to ignore it. or I can find the unlimited part of me that can deal with it – either physically or mentally

how I wished I was the stronger, more adept me from my past. the younger me who was more fearless. the one who would have climbed the ladder and wielded the saw. the bravado that comes with a youthful body is magnificent. I like to think that I restrain myself from a sense of wisdom, knowing what the consequences of falling off the ladder could mean in the long term. but that is not the truth. it is not the wisdom that holds me back. it is a myriad of limiting beliefs that I hold, and I sincerely trust that I can rid myself of them

I know that I believe that I have some limitations.

not only physical.

not only mental.

not only emotional.

I also know that every single limitation I can dream up has an unlimited counterpart. I can employ others to do what I cannot physically do. I can continue to get fitter and more flexible and more capable. and I can stop being concerned about the choices I am making based on my currently less able body. I can pat myself on the back for even attempting to fix the problem. I can remind myself of how many things I can manage without batting an eyelid. I can bear in mind that not everyone on the planet has the same skill set, and my particular skillset is unique, and I can list a thousand things that I can do

my most limiting belief has been that ‘if it is to be – it is up to me’

I took that literally!

the sentence, for me, is not complete until I can say – if it is to be, it is up to me (and perhaps others with their resources, too) to find the way to make it happen…

 

together, we do it

 

the gift of loss

I choose not to bore you with the details right now – but this past year (read decade) has left me with some interesting scars, and it has slowly dawned on me that there is a level of traumatic stress in me – whether I am ‘post’ this trauma or still in it to some degree, I don’t know.

I have self diagnosed – but I think it is fair to say that one doesn’t need a fancy piece of paper in a frame on the wall to be able to diagnose a form of mental and emotional well-being or lack thereof – one merely needs to live it or observe it to know

how to heal? oh my word – there are a myriad of ways
medication (let’s face it – that is not exactly healing – it is merely a reduction or masking of the pain or a changing of the chemical balance in your body)
psychotherapy

body stress release, EFT

meditation, mindfulness

I have used pretty much all the options available for different reasons over the years, and I know that each one has its place

I believe that the best way to heal from any sort of trauma ..things like the following

-loss of loved ones – through death or otherwise

-loss of stuff that is meaningful to you

-incidents that shake you to the core – unsettling loads of your beliefs and the ideas that supported you in the past

is to resolve the relationship you have with the person or the event by making a list of what you GAINED by your loss

when a parent or other loved one leaves – in whatever manner they leave – death or separation – we spend time thinking about them – and what I find most helpful is to remember the ways in which they made my life lovely. their sense of humour. the cakes they baked. their funny giggle. the way their eyes twinkled. their fear of spiders or butterflies. their innate sense of knowing when to reach out to me … those things are the bits of information I want to keep – rather than the deep sense of loss and feeling that my life is not as valuable now that they are not here to validate me..

the loss of a home – again, in whatever manner – fire, divorce, relocation….the memories of good times there, the realisation that because of this loss, I can choose more wisely or even more wildly and out of the box next time – far fewer possessions because when there is too much – you no longer own it – it owns you! a new different home with a different view – different wildlife in the area, hence different natural sounds outside …there are many things to be joyful about, if we take the trouble to check

none of this says you didn’t have something that is now gone. it is not a denial of the heartache and trauma

what it says is – this is a new day and I get to choose how I see it and what I do with it

I get my power back in this way. I can invest my energy each day into thinking about what I have and the blessings it brings or I can focus on feeling sad and miserable and bereft by thinking of what no longer is in my daily life

I choose the gifts. I love gifts. I love the way they make me feel – the anticipation before it is unwrapped – the millions of thought whizzing in my head …do I know what it is? will I love it? is it just what I wanted? oh, the anticipation

and if I love physical gifts at birthdays and holiday, then surely I am going to love gifts from my past experiences?  for me its like holding the years gone by in soft sparkling light, rather than looking back and seeing gloomy stuff, painful stuff – and I know for sure that the lighter stuff supports my new day in a way that pleases me

look for your gifts, is my advice – you may be pleasantly surprised to see how many you have

they cost nothing other than some moments of your attention

for me – every second spent listing my gifts from the past are worth it

if you have never tried this tactic before – give it a go – you really have nothing to lose