on Being Awake, Aware

I have come through an absolutely hideous Dark Night of the Soul …jeez louise …this one had hobnailed boots on and loved to dance

I plumbed the depths of despair, sadness, grief, loneliness, you name it, I had it. Heartbreak of unimaginable proportions. but not depression. I refused to accept that diagnosis / label …and sure as heck was not going to take drugs for it. deep soul sadness of epic proportions yes, but I knew that I would eventually heal and get back to me.

so here I am. turning on the light at the end of this particular tunnel and ready to claim my abundant life again. I am standing here, shouting YES to the universe. YES, it is time YES it is me Yes I am ready YES oh dear goddess YES

I have embarked on a new way of thinking…it is part of my past way of thinking, but on another level. I watched The Secret again …seen it often since it first hit the screens. just as a reminder that I know this stuff

I am also reading a book that suggests different experiments to try to prove to oneself that the law of attraction works …and I bought a second copy of the book so that someone else could work alongside me with it

but that is not going to happen. within minutes there was some negativity from her about the wording in the book and wanting to renegotiate the ‘contract’ with the writing. and I know enough to walk away from that…..I have done negative for way too long and I am not buying that story again. so I shall continue with my experiments alone ..and share the joy and excitement with anyone who is willing to listen

first experiment is to give the Universe / whatever name you want to give it / god / spirit most high / pure energy …..you choose ….but to give that energy 48 hours in which to deliver a surprise – be it a chunk of money, a new relationship, a job offer, a butterfly landing on your hand ….48 hours to deliver …

I got pen and paper out to write a note to PE (pure energy) that by 11am on Friday, I will be able to record ALL the gifts I received …and checked my phone to ensure that I had the correct time …and there was my first gift – it was only 10am not 11am …and I was due to leave the house by 11.30 ……and suddenly instead of 30 minutes to prepare, I had 90 minutes! score!!!

because I had the extra time, I checked my emails …and discovered that at 10:09 the local supermarket had mailed to say that my parcel had arrived 48 hours earlier than expected!

that’s two things …but do you think I am giving PE any leeway? heck no! Abundance is abundance. if it can deliver two things in a couple of minutes then surely I can get much more than I anticipate?

one other little sort of, kind of, almost but maybe not quite, miracle/gift …for decades I have yearned to be a public speaker / teacher …and yet I had no idea what the subject matter will be – but that ache is real …and today I am thinking …I know the subject …it is about my journey, about how I have studied one inspirational person after another, and discounted my understanding and learnings because I thought, well…they said it, my words will be kinda flat after theirs …but no! from today I know deep inside that the audience and the microphone will appear, and I will step into the limelight and shine – not only from the reflected lighting but from within ..because it is Who I Am, it is my birthright and because not only does my tale need to be told, but I need to tell is …and so it is …thank you PE for all these delicious new ideas you are delivering to me as I become more awake, more aware ……

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on worthiness

I am worthy, merely because I am here

You are worthy, merely because you are here

there is so much of our magnificence tied up in societal norms, rules, constrictions that at times we forget that we are worthy beyond measure

I have been happily single for so long that it never occurred to me that I could be happily not-single. That I am worthy of having an incredibly beautiful relationship with a fellow being that adds value to our lives, and therefore the greater humanity on the planet

I can do many things. I can change the world.  Alone. But in partnership he/she and I would be an enormous force for good ….

and I have clearly drifted away from the base topic …and that is okay. I am busy in my head with a million projects since I wrote that first few words …I am worthy …so for now, I am out of here to get on with continuing this beautiful life which is mine …

on using words

recently discovered that I struggle to say some words. not words like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ….those are simple.

I mean words that express how I really feel …what I really want and desire. a friend was sharing his dreams and desires a few days ago …really laying himself bare (this, btw, was on text skype …no actually face to face or even naked bodies, thank goodness) he laid bare his soul and as much as I wanted to share my words, my dreams, my aspirations, I found I couldn’t verbalise them or even type them

and because I am a contemplative being, I have pondered this issue since then

am I scared to put into words what I want? yes. why am I scared to put this into words…either in the speech or writing? therein lies the rub

part of it is a protective reaction. there are times when I shared my story and made myself totally vulnerable in the moment ….and my words were not held with gentleness or kindness by the recipient of them …they were ultimately thrown back, tossed across the room at me, with sarcasm, jocularity, whatever

the message I got was that I am not entitled to these desires and dreams. that they are laughable and silly and that no thinking person would be so stupid as to say such things …yes, mostly these responses came in the wake of alcohol consumption, but I was sober. I was hurt. I felt ….I felt many things, and one thing I know for sure, is that no matter the truth of the moment, the way one FEELS is the end result. supposing that person didn’t mean to hurt …perhaps he felt inadequate and incapable of dreams, so he kicked at mine like a bully on the beach kicking a beautiful sandcastle

this is my new challenge. to state my dream, without fear of contradiction or having them discounted. I suspect that I have been discounting my hopes and aspirations because that is how it seems they were always me…dismissively

I rise to this challenge. How can I not? How can I believe that I am any less worthy than another?

and because I am a coach, I need to take this a few steps further in order to coach myself

 

what can you change about the way you feel when you share your deep thoughts?

imagine saying these words to someone who will cherish them …

what will it feel like when the listener hears your words and not only loves and protect them, but wants to know more …wants you to flesh out the dream so vividly and completely that it makes those dreams feel even closer to you?

what do you need to change in order for you to express the trapped words, and have it not matter who hears them or what they do with them?

and it is not enough to write these questions here …the trick is to answer them…

 

perhaps you have a similar situation? if you do, and you have stumbled across this blog …let me know…write to me …I may be able to help you with some clarity for you

please

there are times when the pain in my heart is so unbelievably harsh that I can barely figure out a way to breathe

dear god ….please, I beg you…whoever whatever you are …I am begging ….

either help with the resolution of this challenge, or take me out

please …

 

I don’t have any other words. I dont have anyone I can speak to about this because there is insufficient privacy here right now …so please….help….

on facing loneliness

for many years I have found new and improved ways to deal with loneliness. I have not yet found the solution to the 2am waking up and being alone thing. I guess that may or may not be resolved during this lifetime …if not I am pretty practised at dealing with it. I don’t like it. I just cope

but the daytime stuff. that is different. I am in a situation where my neighbours are ones that are new to me – all of them. my friend neighbours are far away. very far away. and since I am not working at the moment, I find myself facing may daylight hours alone while I study or write or whatever.

I have found my new coping mechanism. I go to the pub! I don’t drink anything other than tea or water. I may or may not have a bite to eat if it is lunchtime. but I set up my laptop at a table closest to the fire or radiator. and I settle in for a couple of hours

there are hundreds of other things I could choose to do …but for now, this works for me

today I had to scrape a couple of inches of snow off my car to be able to drive here …common sense said…stay home

but who listens to common sense nowadays?

on heartache

oh my word ….I truly truly truly thought that heartache was behind me. I am tired of it. Tired of life itself. Tired of being strong, resilient, everything

surely there is an end to heartache …where you feel you have paid your dues? I know there isn’t ….I have watched too many people whose family members are ill and who eventually cross the bridge …and I never dreamt of just how painful it can be

my mum died on the operating table and my sister died incredibly unexpectedly of a heart attack at a young age whilst on holiday…painful beyond measure …but no long drawn out waiting-for-a-miracle stuff …one minute here, the next…no longer

no time to bargain with the Universe or trying to come to terms with the impending loss ….dad of course was a tad different ….incapacitated to a degree for a decade and then slowly seeing the life force leaving him as it was his time to go ….I didn’t try to change that. I asked if he was ready. He said yes. And I thanked him for everything and agreed it was his turn to rest after being such a fantastic human being and my dad, and within 48 hours he was gone

this current heartache though …this living hell, to say the least. oh my word it is unbelievably tough. to know that my heart is deeply invested in two little souls on the other side of the planet, and knowing that they are being kept away deliberately, hurtfully because of the small minded people who care for them …it is cruel, inhuman and it robs them of the interaction they need with their own flesh and blood ….not only me ..but…’nuff said for now …..

I do my best to create my life here in UK. each day I resolve to do at least 3 things that move me forward …but when that pain strikes, when I let it in, it is debilitating

I wonder how much more I can take ….?

on Being of Service

my dream for my life has been sitting under the soil for a long time, and suddenly it has begun to emerge, a little like the daffodils and snowdrops peeping out the ground as spring arrives

part of the dream is to be of service to others ….and I am beginning to realise that this idea is a bit of a con! it sounds good. selfless. worthy. but the reality is, is that my dream is to be of service to me …and that may have, indeed I desire it to, have the spin off that others benefit greatly, too ….but if I am of service to myself in the greatest possible way, and I present as the most fully integrated authentic Self that I believe I am, then THAT is what I offer to the greater community

I am worthy of living the greatest grandest life. as are each of us. and for me to reach for a dream that serves others more than myself, is playing small. I have had many decades of good health. there is no part of me that feels that I should give that up so that some other person who has been unwell can benefit from my good health! that sounds, and is, ridiculous!

the more I step into the manifestation of my dream, the more brightly I will shine and the more illuminated the path I walk will be, so that others may join me, or follow me, and even take the lead on that path. the light I shine with my joy is a beacon for those who may be searching for light – but that doesn’t mean that I will turn off my light once I have been of service to x number of people….no, I shall continue to shine

I am a magnet for the resources my dream requires …the people, the stuff, the ideas, the expansion

 

it is thrilling!

 

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(photo downloaded from Facebook …Wild Woman Sisterhood)