on abandonment

for someone who has always been dearly loved and supported, always having someone around me who has my back, it seems odd to speak of abandonment as far as I am concerned

but I have been abandoned in a way – I have abandoned me. not making plans, not having goals …the reasons for this, I have written about already – and one thing I know for sure, is that when you know better, you do better

to this end, I am continuing this writing. it helps me to stay focused (yes, often on me – but it is me, after all, who is the only person ever with me and it is me I am trying to fix and heal)

what if I stopped abandoning myself – what if I put me first – really, truly? I often feel very self centred, but I know that very many times, maybe too many times, I abandon my own path, my own dreams, my own unformulated goals in order to help others reach theirs. what if I stopped doing that – still help others to attain their goals, because I believe that this aspect of me is one of my lovelier traits

what if I viewed myself just as important as them? what if I gave myself the same level of love and attention? would that diminish me in any way? I doubt it – I believe that playing small is never a beautiful thing – and I play too small. I do – I admit it. I tend to believe that others know more, do better, are more talented, are more worthy …it’s a cross I have borne for too long, and like any other addiction I am finding it challenging to face it and change it.

and let’s be truly honest here – it’s not pretty

so what do I want? what are my goals?

let me indulge myself here – I shall put my wildest most crazy ideas into the universal mix and see what evolves ..

 

I want to teach. I want to heal. those two things are the essence of me

I want to travel, while teaching and healing

I want to live in a lovely home filled with love

I want a business that supports the desires I have for stuff – and anyone who knows me, knows that generally stuff doesn’t matter – at all – but I like nice things – not a lot of things – just nice things. my tactile defensiveness encourages me to have silk, Egyptian cotton, smooth lovely bedding and items

I want a gorgeous car – again, perhaps not top of the range, but one that feels good, that supports my sense of power and independence and frivolity (in reading this in preview mode, I see how I am playing small again- I want the best car ever! the one that suits me. the one that feels snug, steers beautifully, has a camera for reversing, purrs quietly, is great for the environment, has a lovely sound system, a glorious paint job, a sleek profile. I could get used to this – embellishing on what I want!)

I want a beautiful view from my home – gorgeous garden, river, forest, sea, fields ….

I want to own my own home again

I want to feel more flexible – physically, emotionally, mentally, financially

I want to publish my book – as yet unwritten – and have it be of consequence – even if it only every reaches one other being – that’s enough for me. Yes, a best seller would be fabulous for finances – but if my words can support one other persons journey to discovering something that brings them joy, unlocks their mind, broadens their horizon – then so be it- success!

what I really want is to rise each morning with a sense of purpose. I want to then head out into each work day (at most 4 a week) with a sense of purpose, determination to be the best I can be, to feel energised and vital, enjoy the fullness of the day and eat a delicious meal before enjoying an evening of companionship and camaraderie, before heading to the most comfortable bed in the world, and sleeping soundly in anticipation of the new day tomorrow, knowing that there is nothing that will disturb my sleep since all is well in my world

 

is it too much to want? how willing am I to uncover the path that leads me there?

I have no idea – but I am willing to give it a shot – because this playing small and having no dreams and no goals has not served me

 

I am a writer, a healer, a teacher, a dreamer ……………

 

on dreaming

I re-read my last post – which mentioned my dream of being a healer or teacher – and it struck me, based on what I came into this room to say today, that I have never believed my dreams can come true. I have certainly had some fabulously wonderful things happen to me in my life – endless support, emotionally, physically, financially – but I never viewed these blessings as dreams coming true

I have abandoned my dreams because I never believed they could manifest.

that is one of the saddest lines I have ever written about myself

and I dream that I will never have to say it again

from this moment, I have changed. I am no longer the person who wrote those lines a few minutes ago

I have every right to dream

I have every right to have my dreams be made manifest

I claim these rights

I am allowed to imagine that I will own my own home again. I am allowed to visualise my dream home, my dream car, my dream life AND I am also allowed to let them in, work towards them

I am also allowed to create the vision of it all and not care how it comes about – not get drawn down into the process of it, the nitty-gritty details. I do not have to know, right this moment, how it will happen

but unless I hold the vision, how can I ever see it in reality?

first, I have to see it inside – and then I will recognise it when it bounds into my life – and bound it certainly will. I have faith in it – I have a faith in me that I have been denying for too long

if it is to be – it is up to me …and whoever else comes along for the ride and sees a similar vision for himself or herself or themselves. I have no need to let it be me and me alone. together we’re stronger and more able. intelligent collaboration is part of the big plan for me

oh gosh – what a moment it was, twenty minutes ago, when a friends text spurred my thinking. she is living a tough existence right now, underpaid, overworked, unappreciated and she says it is worth it because she has a dream

thank you Bern, because of you, I am dreaming again

because I can

and because it will blow everyone’s socks off when it unfolds – and I love to see those ‘how the hell did you do THAT?’ look on peoples faces

bring it on Universe – I am way past ready for this

let’s do it

 

on writing

can I call myself a writer? I do write. this blog for instance. and another one. sporadically. there may come a day when I write a book – who knows? if ever I come across a subject I deem myself expert on, or a great plot for a novel, then perhaps I will.

as a young child, I loved corresponding with family on the other side of the world. the chance to share information – and the more I wrote, the more replies I got. it was thrilling. the electronic age has wiped out a lot of that sort of communication, but has opened up the world of instant stuff. I love it.

I love the process of taking thoughts, putting it onto the laptop in words, editing it, reframing it, rephrasing it, moulding it to say what I want

and the fabulous offshoot is that I refine my thinking at the same time. I get to question my assertions. is that really true? is that what I really wanted to say? how will these words be perceived by others if ever they are stumbled upon?

do they reflect the real me. my truth? do I mind that my words may be judged?

and as I pose these questions, I get to think about them. I am inspired to re-read my words, and mostly to ensure that each one resonates well with me – and gets my message across. even if I am the only reader.

often, my writing from years back have helped me immensely and then I wonder – are those really my words? was I that wise? and thank goodness I wrote them because I really needed to read them right this red hot minute!

each year, I buy a diary. each year, it is abandoned within weeks. by about June, I wonder if I should try keeping track of things again, because very soon, the new diaries will be out for the following year and how do I justify buying a new one when this one is still  pretty much pristine

clearly, a hand written diary is not my medium. this works for me – the ability to publish my thoughts within minutes of writing them. and being able to easily access them when I need some inspiration, either for an situation I am facing, or to remind myself how much I enjoy the process

since I see the benefits of my writing, I will continue. and one day I will find a way to write that hopefully excludes the word I. for now, I remain – I this, I that, I I I …because this is about me and finding my way forward. and because writing helps me to do that

because

I am a writer

 

on being confident

it seems that much of my life has been pretending a confidence I don’t really feel deep down inside

I certainly wasn’t confident about giving birth …. if I could have delegated that process, I would have. however, in later years, as I found a more confident part of me, I relished the idea of going through the process again – but since I didn’t want to raise more children than I already had produced, I thought that perhaps I should find better challenge options.

I wasn’t confident when I had to walk home from choir practice as a young teen. in winter, the top of the road always seemed so dark with overgrown trees in the garden of a very strange man …an odd chap, not a threat in any way, a bit of a hermit, I guess

but

I would walk up tall, perhaps whistle a bit – as badly as my singing, I hasten to add, and I pretended a confidence that did not exist – and then loved how I had kept myself safe all the way home.

I still pretend confidence. I walk into new places with a smile on my dial and then have a fabulous time observing myself. there is a level of envy when I see how well many others cope in life. walking about as if they own the whole world. I believe that largely, confidence is instilled in childhood – and I know for sure that I have to some degree been guilty of not being able to instil confidence in my offspring. and I guess they will find their way of coping

the lack of self confidence has many consequences. I have not followed my dreams. I dreamt of being a doctor or nurse. of being a teacher. silly me. I would have been fantastic at either of those careers. I played small.

don’t play small

it robs the world of your magnificence

on being a niece

at one stage, an aunt of mine lived in our family home. I used to have my own room, and when she moved in for forever – which in retrospect may have been only a few months, but children don’t always keep track of the time frames, I was made to share a room with my sister

how I looked up to this woman! she had beautifully shaped nails painted red. she wore audacious red lipstick. I believe she painted her eyebrows …or perhaps that only began in later life after she had tweezed or waxed them into oblivion …

my aunt doted on my little brother. oh here we go again, like Mum …my son my son my little boy. what am I, I wondered ..chopped liver? (to be fair, I didn’t know that expression as a child …it is the Mature Me connecting with the Child Within who uses such wording.

Big sister and little brother seemed to be able to garner the attention of said aunt – I felt very much as if I were skirting the group …hanging around the edges, desperate to belong…to no avail

as the years have passed, my aunt has coped with the loss of her dearly beloved partner, her parents, her brothers and their wives. when I do connect with her now, the main topic of conversation is her imploring me to remember her, to keep in contact, to love her …and the Little One inside me screams – DID YOU NEVER KNOW THAT I WANTED THAT FROM YOU WHEN I WAS A CHILD?

one time, I alluded to this issue in a gentle way – and slowly she admitted that she far preferred her nephew and other niece … I just sighed – what is there that I could ever say or she could ever say that would heal this little wound that has coloured a lot of my life?

nothing. all I can do is take a step back and wonder if I perhaps ignore a young person in my life, albeit unwittingly. because of my experience, I have tried to acknowledge others, but perhaps I have failed, as she did.

to anyone who has felt slighted or unnoticed by me – my apologies. forgive me – not for my sake, but for you …you deserve better …and forgiving me gives you the space and power to move on and let it go – as I choose to do. my aunt will never know the impact she has had on my life. I know for sure that she is deeply appreciative of the way I looked after her brother for 12 years after his stroke ….she said she didn’t know I could be so kind

I appreciate the experience of being part of her family. it helped me to be alert as I could be to not do the same to others ….thank you, Stel …thank you

now excuse me while I place that Little One who wanted love onto my lap and hug her tight and tell her that all is well – no matter how it seems

 

how to write a book

step one ….write.

step two …heck – don’t ask me – I haven’t a clue!

 

step number something – get it published …sell many…do a book signing world tour …

I could be correct – that may well be the way to do it – but for now I am going to write and write and write and see where it leads.

I don’t even know if I should be using this blog for the writing – if I should be using some fancy programme – I have a fancy laptop …which is a great start ….so …to work …

On Being a Child

as a child, I had the mistaken belief that big people were the ones who knew everything and that I had to learn from them. someone else always knew better. if I observed and copied them, I too would have a stunning fabulous life

what a crock of nonsense! seriously – I dragged myself off to church each week because that is what our family does! so desperate to feel part of the whole, I sang in the choir (sorry to those who had to listen to my voice) and I auditioned for each play or pantomime or whatever dramatic production the church folk dreamt up.

I even became a Sunday School teacher – my deep innate desire to teach and heal was almost overwhelming. I certainly didn’t believe the clap trap I had to spout – but I thought if I did it long enough and often enough, I would believe it and the Grace of the Lord would be bestowed upon me. Now, I am not saying that my life has been without Grace – but never quite in the way I wanted or imagined.

Clearly, this was not my path …so after some years and seemingly decades of deliberation, I declared that since I didn’t believe that Christ is the only way to whatever, I was no longer able to consider myself a Christian. It was like being divorced from a person I had never seen …weird, but true. It takes courage to say to the people you have known and looked up to all the years that this isn’t my path …in discussion with some of the older folk over the following years – mainly at funerals of those who had been part of my childhood, I discovered that rather a large number of the folk I had known for years as dedicated church-goers didn’t believe, either! Church was merely part of their regular social scene and they were not as brave as I was in leaving. To be fair, they did good deeds, they mouthed all the words …but their heart wasn’t truly in it.

It has only occurred to me now – to be proud of the courageous step I took outside the circle. I still loved the people, I still loved some hymns, but they were no longer my story. Since my parents have both left the planet, I have not really had occasion to enter a church. Probably mostly because I live far from the people I knew all my life – I live in a new country and I don’t know anyone well enough to be invited to weddings etc. This is not a problem!

 

its a new day ..

hold onto your hats – I have set a goal! okay – stop laughing – we all know that I only ever had one real goal in life and that unfolded gracefully and then disintegrated.

however, it’s time to put that behind me and get on with what Is ….and I am lead to believe that if I write a couple of pages a day, I will slowly stop being superficial and begin to get real with myself.

since this is all about me, I shall not share it on FB as usual – however – if you stumble across it – it may be that there is something for you to learn …or important for you to share your thinking with me …go ahead – have fun

many’s the time I have declared that I am done with courses – I attended so many self improvement and metaphysical teaching courses that I am all coursed out! I did do a course recently, a healing modality course, which appealed to me as a possible future cash generator …yes, I know, I should be thinking of helping people to heal and not looking at the money aspect of it but …I want to earn, I want to be there holding the sacred space while another heals him or herself ….and I also wanted .. (I see the past tense of it) I wanted to become a facilitator in the modality and perhaps do some teaching across the globe …which sounds grandiose but I did live elsewhere for 61 years so its more a case of teaching at home – both homes …

and now a new idea is emerging. not before time. I want to teach – that is my hearts desire – I love nothing more than seeing the lights come on in someones eyes – to watch them exploring their new understanding of life or how things can unfold for them, or how suddenly they are energised and revitalised – I want that – I want to be a part of this big picture of healing and teaching

often, I had thought of writing – although I have said that there is not a book inside me waiting to be written – but what I if I am wrong – what if this is the start of it all. I shared with a friend that I want to be a teacher – and yet I have no idea what my specialist subject would be – she roared with laughter, explaining that I am already a teacher of Life …. and somewhere inside me there is a nugget jumping up and down, trying to get more of my attention – saying – THIS IS IT, chicken – this is how you teach about life

I want to add here too – because I know I will come back to read this soon …. I shared with a Wise Woman that it made me uneasy that each time I responded to others stories on facebook and in real life, when they shared, I would respond by saying – yes, I understand because x y or z happened to me and this is how I felt about it – and this is what I believe about it yada yada yada and I don’t like this aspect of me ..always talking about my experience …and she had two comments. Number one – I am an Aries, so everything is always about me – we are first on the list of the Astro signs …for good reason …we are leaders …for good reason…so I will discover that I will always bring the story back to me. However – comment two – we teach best from our own experience and it is empathetic to relate their story to something I have experienced or felt. Seemingly, it often empowers the other when they realise that I do understand how they feel because I have been there and I am proof that we come out the other end of whatever washing / rinsing / tumbling cycle we have been in …

I am excited by the idea of writing – of course, in my head, I am already travelling the globe, signing my books for my fans … and what if that is what unfolds – wouldn’t that be the most wonderful thing ever?

Dream it …do it …enjoy it

my new motto ……