on being confident

it seems that much of my life has been pretending a confidence I don’t really feel deep down inside

I certainly wasn’t confident about giving birth …. if I could have delegated that process, I would have. however, in later years, as I found a more confident part of me, I relished the idea of going through the process again – but since I didn’t want to raise more children than I already had produced, I thought that perhaps I should find better challenge options.

I wasn’t confident when I had to walk home from choir practice as a young teen. in winter, the top of the road always seemed so dark with overgrown trees in the garden of a very strange man …an odd chap, not a threat in any way, a bit of a hermit, I guess

but

I would walk up tall, perhaps whistle a bit – as badly as my singing, I hasten to add, and I pretended a confidence that did not exist – and then loved how I had kept myself safe all the way home.

I still pretend confidence. I walk into new places with a smile on my dial and then have a fabulous time observing myself. there is a level of envy when I see how well many others cope in life. walking about as if they own the whole world. I believe that largely, confidence is instilled in childhood – and I know for sure that I have to some degree been guilty of not being able to instil confidence in my offspring. and I guess they will find their way of coping

the lack of self confidence has many consequences. I have not followed my dreams. I dreamt of being a doctor or nurse. of being a teacher. silly me. I would have been fantastic at either of those careers. I played small.

don’t play small

it robs the world of your magnificence

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