on abandonment

for someone who has always been dearly loved and supported, always having someone around me who has my back, it seems odd to speak of abandonment as far as I am concerned

but I have been abandoned in a way – I have abandoned me. not making plans, not having goals …the reasons for this, I have written about already – and one thing I know for sure, is that when you know better, you do better

to this end, I am continuing this writing. it helps me to stay focused (yes, often on me – but it is me, after all, who is the only person ever with me and it is me I am trying to fix and heal)

what if I stopped abandoning myself – what if I put me first – really, truly? I often feel very self centred, but I know that very many times, maybe too many times, I abandon my own path, my own dreams, my own unformulated goals in order to help others reach theirs. what if I stopped doing that – still help others to attain their goals, because I believe that this aspect of me is one of my lovelier traits

what if I viewed myself just as important as them? what if I gave myself the same level of love and attention? would that diminish me in any way? I doubt it – I believe that playing small is never a beautiful thing – and I play too small. I do – I admit it. I tend to believe that others know more, do better, are more talented, are more worthy …it’s a cross I have borne for too long, and like any other addiction I am finding it challenging to face it and change it.

and let’s be truly honest here – it’s not pretty

so what do I want? what are my goals?

let me indulge myself here – I shall put my wildest most crazy ideas into the universal mix and see what evolves ..

 

I want to teach. I want to heal. those two things are the essence of me

I want to travel, while teaching and healing

I want to live in a lovely home filled with love

I want a business that supports the desires I have for stuff – and anyone who knows me, knows that generally stuff doesn’t matter – at all – but I like nice things – not a lot of things – just nice things. my tactile defensiveness encourages me to have silk, Egyptian cotton, smooth lovely bedding and items

I want a gorgeous car – again, perhaps not top of the range, but one that feels good, that supports my sense of power and independence and frivolity (in reading this in preview mode, I see how I am playing small again- I want the best car ever! the one that suits me. the one that feels snug, steers beautifully, has a camera for reversing, purrs quietly, is great for the environment, has a lovely sound system, a glorious paint job, a sleek profile. I could get used to this – embellishing on what I want!)

I want a beautiful view from my home – gorgeous garden, river, forest, sea, fields ….

I want to own my own home again

I want to feel more flexible – physically, emotionally, mentally, financially

I want to publish my book – as yet unwritten – and have it be of consequence – even if it only every reaches one other being – that’s enough for me. Yes, a best seller would be fabulous for finances – but if my words can support one other persons journey to discovering something that brings them joy, unlocks their mind, broadens their horizon – then so be it- success!

what I really want is to rise each morning with a sense of purpose. I want to then head out into each work day (at most 4 a week) with a sense of purpose, determination to be the best I can be, to feel energised and vital, enjoy the fullness of the day and eat a delicious meal before enjoying an evening of companionship and camaraderie, before heading to the most comfortable bed in the world, and sleeping soundly in anticipation of the new day tomorrow, knowing that there is nothing that will disturb my sleep since all is well in my world

 

is it too much to want? how willing am I to uncover the path that leads me there?

I have no idea – but I am willing to give it a shot – because this playing small and having no dreams and no goals has not served me

 

I am a writer, a healer, a teacher, a dreamer ……………

 

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