a few days have passed since last I sat down to write. my idea of being a routine once a day blogger never lasts very long, as I tend towards being resistant to routine.
also, my attention span is not what it used to be. it’s to do with being more stressed in a deep seated way than I ever have been before
and perhaps that isn’t true. I had my first (of very few) breakdown moments when I was a young teenager. the boy I had met in the holidays was packing to go to boarding school, and my best buddy, who is still my only real friend from teenage years, was leaving the country. I was upset, but I internalised it all, resulting in me being unable to deal with anything that came my way for about 24 hours. I don’t recall too much of the time, but I do remember lying on the patio being served a glass of orange juice by my mum. not the most dramatic breakdown/breakthrough story ever, but it has stayed with me ….
where I am now, emotionally, is in a minefield. I want to feel things, and yet I know that if I truly acknowledge how I feel about being parted from my loved ones, I will weep for days or hours on end – and yes, releasing the pressure of sadness will serve to some degree, but it sure is not going to change the situation. I will feel better momentarily, and that is a good thing. but breaking down/ breaking through, done in a solitary manner is not going to work for me right now
I would far prefer to be close to someone who gets it – who needs no explanation, does not try to rescue, who just allows me to be …. and perhaps, when I stop crying, ask me if I am all done, at which point, I may cry loads more until that process stops and I feel whole and complete again
soldiering on seems like my plan. good or bad. which is really judgemental so I shall not give it a label
oh, this journey to Self is a tough, meandering, inspiring, frustrating one ….and always, no matter how I feel, I will remember that I am a cyclical creature – the ups and downs are natural
those blank pages …they will wait ….although I may need to consider vlogging – they typing takes time – but has the benefit of me editing before publishing…..
embrace your blank pages – you never know quite what words will land up on them …those words may be images – you never know ..