on making decisions

oh, my track record sucks! I tend towards being impetuous and spontaneous a lot of the time. it is sometimes annoying both for myself and others. I can change a plan in a heartbeat, which can be either a strength or a weakness

but when it comes to making a decision that will alter my life in a significant way, I can mull, long and hard ….whether to stay in my marriage or not took me about 14 years longer than it should have done. I took my children into consideration and believed they would benefit in some way if I stayed – and they did, to a degree. but the sacrifice of my self in the process was perhaps not my finest years.

I stayed in a job many years longer than was necessary, too. I have spent many years thinking about the reasons behind my hesitance about leaving jobs and relationships, and never really understanding it. I can use a lot of logic to explain it all, but I recognise that I have difficulty in moving from one thing to another. It extends to standing on the shore, or at the poolside – changing from fresh air on my body, to the possible cold water in front of me has also seen me stuck for what seems like aeons but is usually only minutes

what can I learn from this, though? I need to learn something because currently I am sitting quietly while I wait for a change in my money-earning situation. and that is okay for as long as it feels okay – but I definitely feel that something is stirring, that things have to change soon, and that it is up to me to do the changing. and therein lies the rub – I clearly resist change! a tad bizarre if one takes into account my deep desire for constant change – I have often related that my furniture gets dizzy being moved from pillar to post. oh my word, a psychologist would have a field day with me. I resist and I love and embrace change – it merely depends on what sort of change it is.

okay – to unpack this – the furniture moves regularly as a way of taking control of my surroundings and comes from a place of thinking ‘ I can make this look / work / feel better’. I am very sensitive to my surroundings, and as I age, I see it more and more. The things I avoid touching or noticing – averting my eyes from that which does not appeal to me

I have to laugh – I usually write, edit and publish. this is the first time I have created a draft of a post, and I have no way of deciding how to say what I am trying to say – I am not sure I even know where this is going – except, I am going to publish it. It is such a beautiful visual reminder for me to read in a year or so, seeing how I am struggling with the decision about this almost meaningless post! I cannot decide …and that is the long and the short of it.

I am however, deciding to publish and then get on with the subject that I feel needs to be written, for my own mental wellbeing…..so – publish, and click on write …and off I go! bye for now

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