today has been an incredibly hard and harsh day for me. oh I know that others are facing far tougher things than I perhaps ever will …but there is enough heartache in this day for me, thank you very much. I shall not be requesting a second helping, that is certain
it is a roller-coaster ride, this life. I have not been in a good frame of mind for some time – longer than I care to remember or admit. the choice I made to uproot myself, leave my friends, inflict myself on a new country on the opposite side of the world from whence I hail, leaving my job of decades, all that is familiar ….letting go of almost every single worldly possession, it left it’s mark. the new career path I chose added to the stress and my loss of self
I recently joined a dating site in order to meet new people – specifically men, as I am incredibly good at drawing women into my circle of friends …men, not so much.
I am in contact with someone on an email basis …he seems delicious but I am cognisant that there are a lot of game-players out there …oh, that is a lie …I am guessing this, based on what social media and the general public like to say ….that there are loads of players out there ….back to the delicious man …it is thrilling to get his emails, but without hearing the human voice behind the words is different to the way of communicating to which I have been accustomed and it leaves me tapping into my old patterns of …I am not worthy of _______________fill in the blank …
I respect the fact that it is a choice he makes – and I collude with it by not asking straight out to be able to talk to him on the phone ….and it is different to the other interactions I have had from the site. one lad had me in fits of laughter for about 20 minutes. and I really enjoyed having some time to just let go, be me, and laugh and chat in a way that is not quite the same with women friends
after having a lovely giggle on the phone last night, and receiving a beautiful letter from the Man with No Voice, and feeling pretty chirpy about life, I had to face some incredibly painful stuff about family. no names, no pack drill they say …suffice to say that it all leaves me with virtually no air to breathe and sucks my will to live
so I have plodded through this day – not very successfully or fruitfully, I may add …but the sun has gone and clearly the day is drawing to a close. with some luck I will ‘sleep it off’ so to speak
for now, it is up to me to rise above the pain and heartache, and to find the happy again. it resides within me, deeply buried today …but it shall rise again ….if there is only one thing, one lesson I can take from my life, is that the darkness never prevails …I rise above it, bit by bit