on heartache

oh my word ….I truly truly truly thought that heartache was behind me. I am tired of it. Tired of life itself. Tired of being strong, resilient, everything

surely there is an end to heartache …where you feel you have paid your dues? I know there isn’t ….I have watched too many people whose family members are ill and who eventually cross the bridge …and I never dreamt of just how painful it can be

my mum died on the operating table and my sister died incredibly unexpectedly of a heart attack at a young age whilst on holiday…painful beyond measure …but no long drawn out waiting-for-a-miracle stuff …one minute here, the next…no longer

no time to bargain with the Universe or trying to come to terms with the impending loss ….dad of course was a tad different ….incapacitated to a degree for a decade and then slowly seeing the life force leaving him as it was his time to go ….I didn’t try to change that. I asked if he was ready. He said yes. And I thanked him for everything and agreed it was his turn to rest after being such a fantastic human being and my dad, and within 48 hours he was gone

this current heartache though …this living hell, to say the least. oh my word it is unbelievably tough. to know that my heart is deeply invested in two little souls on the other side of the planet, and knowing that they are being kept away deliberately, hurtfully because of the small minded people who care for them …it is cruel, inhuman and it robs them of the interaction they need with their own flesh and blood ….not only me ..but…’nuff said for now …..

I do my best to create my life here in UK. each day I resolve to do at least 3 things that move me forward …but when that pain strikes, when I let it in, it is debilitating

I wonder how much more I can take ….?

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