recently discovered that I struggle to say some words. not words like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious ….those are simple.
I mean words that express how I really feel …what I really want and desire. a friend was sharing his dreams and desires a few days ago …really laying himself bare (this, btw, was on text skype …no actually face to face or even naked bodies, thank goodness) he laid bare his soul and as much as I wanted to share my words, my dreams, my aspirations, I found I couldn’t verbalise them or even type them
and because I am a contemplative being, I have pondered this issue since then
am I scared to put into words what I want? yes. why am I scared to put this into words…either in the speech or writing? therein lies the rub
part of it is a protective reaction. there are times when I shared my story and made myself totally vulnerable in the moment ….and my words were not held with gentleness or kindness by the recipient of them …they were ultimately thrown back, tossed across the room at me, with sarcasm, jocularity, whatever
the message I got was that I am not entitled to these desires and dreams. that they are laughable and silly and that no thinking person would be so stupid as to say such things …yes, mostly these responses came in the wake of alcohol consumption, but I was sober. I was hurt. I felt ….I felt many things, and one thing I know for sure, is that no matter the truth of the moment, the way one FEELS is the end result. supposing that person didn’t mean to hurt …perhaps he felt inadequate and incapable of dreams, so he kicked at mine like a bully on the beach kicking a beautiful sandcastle
this is my new challenge. to state my dream, without fear of contradiction or having them discounted. I suspect that I have been discounting my hopes and aspirations because that is how it seems they were always me…dismissively
I rise to this challenge. How can I not? How can I believe that I am any less worthy than another?
and because I am a coach, I need to take this a few steps further in order to coach myself
what can you change about the way you feel when you share your deep thoughts?
imagine saying these words to someone who will cherish them …
what will it feel like when the listener hears your words and not only loves and protect them, but wants to know more …wants you to flesh out the dream so vividly and completely that it makes those dreams feel even closer to you?
what do you need to change in order for you to express the trapped words, and have it not matter who hears them or what they do with them?
and it is not enough to write these questions here …the trick is to answer them…
perhaps you have a similar situation? if you do, and you have stumbled across this blog …let me know…write to me …I may be able to help you with some clarity for you