my desire

a few minutes ago, I published a piece about finding my path, and as I read it, I became aware of a deep desire within me to be the leader …

I want to be at the forefront – I want to stand and be counted ….I am so grateful that right this red hot minute, there is a new beginning within my Soul –

I don’t have a clue what this means – but suddenly …it’s there – whatever it is and wherever there is …two simple words – and yet I cannot explain them – it’s there

the path I seek is making itself known consciously …I am grateful ….

finding the path

I know I am a leader …and I know I do lead, but more often than not, I follow. Certainly when it comes to long distance hikes or runs …or even a wander through the city – I am always at the back –  from having always believed that I was slower and never as fit as others and then used the excuse that I didn’t want to hold anyone up …you lead, I’ll follow

I am getting the very real sense that this attitude is not standing me in good stead as far as my life and career is concerned, so something needs to change

I have been told during readings …aura, tarot card, angelic messenger cards, astrological charts…you name it, I have experienced it …. you are the leader, you carve the path …and still .. I follow

This is a habit that serves me not! I set the intention a few days back, that I was from that moment, going to work with intention and not from habit. To this end, I have taken some steps to heal my body, which is not exactly unhealthy – I don’t need medication …but functionally, my feet are not optimum. There is a glitch in there somewhere, and thank you Universe, it is beginning to heal

I see the connection – not finding my path …and having feet that haven’t wanted to take many steps of late …

This is changing. Daily my feet are working better – and I trust that shortly, I will be able to take as many steps as I wish to – in any direction – fully supported – eager to keep moving

How this relates to my career path, I am not sure – but the symbolism is there. I also keep stumbling (pardon the pun) across articles that I wrote in the past. Mostly they show up on my On This Day section of Facebook. Which makes sense since almost everything I ever owned is now in the arms of others, many thousands of miles away…there is not much of my older stuff to stumble across in this part of the world unless it is stored on the internet …

At the moment, I am no further forward (consciously) of where my path is taking me – but I do know a few things – Number one – it is my path – no-one else has trod it – I am the Pioneer – Number two – the path is not self evident – it is made up of one step at a time – leading to who knows where …..(which suddenly brings me to thinking that I need some sort of plan – will chat with a life coach to clarify that thinking ..)

I embrace the day when all this confusion is in the past. I know the value of writing now, having discovered how much of it has been supporting me of late, so I know that it’s a valuable way to spend some time

Onward and upward – to infinity and beyond – outside of limitations – that’s where you’ll find me ….

are you coming with me? I am the leader, though …we’ll be fellow travellers …we’ll share a load – but I cannot follow …not all the time, anyway ….

let’s go – let’s see what the world is offering – and I know it is going to be fun – it already is …I am stepping into it

 

oh my word

I related a dream to a friend who understands how to extract the message the dream holds. She asked me to describe the attributes of the person who helped me in my dream. I answered…

A couple of days later, a friend posed a question on social media – what three words describe me? I answered …

It didn’t take me long to see the correlation / connection between the two – when I answered the dream question, as I was typing my response, I became aware that the words I was using to describe my helper, were my own attributes.

Same thing happened when I responded to Mary’s question. The three words I chose described me too …(she sneakily added to the question that there was a hidden agenda in posing the question ..I think I know what that is ….it is going to come pinging back at the respondents.)

We see in others a reflection of ourselves. Often it is lovely. Other times we wonder how that other person can be so (________________) fill in the gap …negative, nasty, mean …whatever …it is also our reflection. That is a less than lovely feeling. But if we are awake and aware to the power of the words we use, and the way we relate to others, then it can inspire us to be better ….

Thank you, Susie and Mary, for the part you played in my life this week. Thank you for helping me become aware. I thank me too – I am appreciative of my willingness to constantly reflect on Who I Am and how I Am in this world ….

the shape I am in …

I never thought I would see the day when I would know, really know, that I am worthy of appreciation and love. It feels real good to know this now, right to the core of me

it seemed like an insurmountable task, this loving me. oh god, I used to cringe if anyone complimented me. either I would not believe them or I would deflect the comment elsewhere ….oh, my hair is so mousy brown, this is such an old dress, I hate my freckles, they make me look silly …and oh my word, how many times I wished I was shorter, taller. slinkier, sexier …if any younger person reads this and is playing this sort of game – get over that habit right now –  – get over it as soon as you can – life is way too short to stress about size and shape …

walk through any forest or woods – are you prejudiced against tall trees, leaning trees, short, squat trees, ones with round leaves, sharp needles? probably not – they are just trees, aren’t they?

we have to be like that with humans too. yes, I know that someone will say, but trees don’t murder each other, or sing with bad voices, or have acne! okay then – have your moment of argument – but leave me out of it please. I am writing this for me – and for anyone else who cares to read it. writing is my therapy. I understand myself better when I put things into words. putting it into public domain on a blog is possibly not essential, but I know that before I publish it, I preview it and edit it – so I get to play with and tweak my thinking before I press SHARE ….I get to see it the way others will see it …and it makes me think – also one of my favourite things to do

the shape I am in is perfect. the shape you are in is perfect. it may not be precisely how we want to be – we can get kinda lazy about our diet and our exercise regime (I admit to it …) but as humans, we are perfectly right for our journey

let us be kinder to others and ourselves. it takes almost no effort once it is an ingrained habit. letting go of judgement can be a challenge – so begin with the person most important to your life, your very own Self

do it …you are worth it ..and I love the shape you are in………dscf7811

changing gears

dsc_0198firstly, I am going to have to remember how to do that, when I get back to my home town and my white car. it is a manual gear car. I have become accustomed to my black car on this side of the globe with its lovely auto gearbox, and in turn, become deliciously lazy…. recently I had to drive a clients’ manual shift car, and I kinda remembered to change gears until I got to 3 or 4, and then I would forget …until it dawned on me that there were more options – but to be fair – with the very low speed limits, it is hardly worth the effort …

yes – this changing gears thing. I though I had pretty much done all the direction and speed changes that I required in this lifetime …but clearly not. the sheen of working 24/7 for weeks on end to reward myself with almost as many weeks without work has faded. I am done with the whole idea of being isolated from the real world for batches of weeks at a time. I have lost touch with dearly beloved friends and family. I have lost touch with dearly beloved me. in theory I have plenty of time on my hands – in reality, my brain is incapable of settling down and focusing …as soon as I do, the client or the other carer speaks or asks for help, and the joy of what I was doing fades. I have become almost mindless – I watch tv programmes on my kindle (clients seldom watch things I want to see, or they refuse to have any noise (the current challenge) so no tv, music or radio …but she expects us to know what the current happenings are and the weather – always the weather. she is blind, so cannot read for herself ….it would seem that I am also incapable of reading a book, one of my most delicious pastimes ….gone …evaporated …

I see events being shared on social media and work does not allow me to say YES! my Soul says yes, but the contract say no……….

it’s enough … I have stuck it out for almost a year, but it is time to find the new track to drive on. perhaps this time, I will not be the only person in the car. this time, I may have fellow passengers – and that is going to make a huge difference after living alone for 16 years ….

wish me luck …WildChild and I are getting ready for the next AddVenture

 

*WildChild is the name of my teddy bear. She is funky and fun ….I may share another photo of her soon …currently she is in the car outside – she says she has had enough time with this particular client and would rather keep the car company ….gotta love her …

it is precious to me

when I started this somewhat crazy new life, I knew I had to do 10 weeks of work within 12 weeks to avoid having to pay for the training. to cut a long story short, I did 10 weeks and 2 days in one go without a break. not my original choice, but life happens

seventy two days. 24 / 7 ….some criminals get less time than that …

at one point, I was about an hours drive away from my daughter – and bless her little cotton socks, she re-arranged her working hours and headed south to see me. I told her I would be in the coffee shop, having a leisurely breakfast

oh dear. when she arrived and I saw her lovely face, I burst into tears and couldn’t stop!

I had been placed with clients within two days of ending my training, and this was about week four ..I was tired and exhausted and stressed and all this after having given up my home, leaving all my other loved ones and my country behind a mere few weeks before. and once the floodgates opened, there was no closing them!

the waiter was startled at how many paper napkins I was using – I kept ordering more tea and napkins …..Noah would have been proud of my attempt to flood the world

however, needs must, and a smile was slapped onto my dial, and off I went – wishing I didn’t have to wave goodbye. I deliberately didn’t. that was just too tough, seeing her drive away….

at that stage, I was due to see her in a couple of weeks – I didn’t know then that I would agree to a full ten and a half weeks

…and now, with three-week gigs, I am struggling.

I have spent some time mulling things over in my head. why are 21 days tough when I know I can do 72? one thing that stands out as different, is that the bulk of the long haul was spent in two-carer positions. I had a fellow ‘sufferer’ alongside me. I am currently working alone and this difference has helped me to understand what unsettles me

it is this…what makes me happy and sustains me is having one on one chats. those times when one drinks cups of tea and makes sense of this funny old world.  and I miss this. a lot. it is precious to me. it’s always more precious when it is with a heart friend, but as I get to know each carer in turn, they find a spot in my heart ….

it helps me to know what makes me happy and what constitutes a stretch.

I deeply appreciate my time with loved ones

those hours of chatter …they are precious to meDSC_0529

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WildChild-less AddVenture

yes, WildChild usually joins in when I am having fun – but today, she was left up in the bedroom while I was working

I have been with this client for ten days or so – and another ten to go. I really like her, and her home, so I feel very comfortable and relaxed here

it is a lovely large home on large grounds, relatively rural although it is in a village

the garden is the typical English Country Garden …or at least, it is the image that comes to my mind when I hear the phrase. old established trees, loads of flowering bushes and shrubs and splashes of colour everywhere

…and a manicured lawn ….

which is luscious and soft and so unlike the grass I grew up with …

the magical part that led to my AddVenture is that the grounds are on a slope, and for days I have been looking at the lawn in the back garden and wondering whether I am brave enough to attempt to roll down the hill, just as I did a couple (well, perhaps more than a couple) of decades ago

I am pleased to report that I Am brave enough ….although, when I was young, I didn’t need to remove my specs before I played …

WildChild is so proud of me – and is delighted to report that it only takes one or two turns before I get dizzy!

I shared the info on face book …and people questioned the veracity of my story …I may need to record it next time ….watch this space …

…..who knows what I will post next time ….