on procrastination

oh stop it – for goodness sake, stop it! yes  you! the one who is typing – slowly, I may add, since you did a typing test a few minutes ago as your last escape into procrastination!

just stop it – stop what you know is hurting you deep down into the very core of you! stop it – get real – you are hiding away from things, using everything in your life as a reason for not moving forward! you are exhausting yourself over absolutely nothing at all – and who does this serve?

certainly not you! it’s time. Alibumps, to get onto the whirlwind ride that is life, hang onto it with both hands and probably both feet two – stop playing safe in the doldrums – because for sure the doldrums is not where you want to see out this lifetime – what a terrible waste it would be, to have spent so much time learning things, yearning to share them, and then just…nothing ….seriously – I thought you were better than that! I KNOW you are better than that – see…as you are typing you are claiming back the glory that is your birthright – your hands are heating up to remind you that energy flows through you from the Cleverness up there – all that heat is for your healing – and for the healing of others – so get to it – NO FUNKING EXCUSES ANY MORE!!

go – be that glorious person – go – be – do ….all that is necessary for that feeling of fulfilment …go! I don’t want to see you back here again until you’ve achieved one thing

I challenge you – make the shopping list, make the bucket list, research the work options, do the paperwork that is outstanding – GO!!! GET OUT OF HERE NOW! THIS IS NOT YOUR MOTHER INSTRUCTING YOU – THIS IS YOUR HIGHER SELF WHO CANNOT GET DOWN THERE TO SHAKE YOU AND WAKE YOU – BUT CAN USE THOSE BEAUTIUL HANDS OF YOURS TO GET THROUGH TO YOU USING THIS MEDIUM! GO – GET OUT OF HERE NOW AND COME BACK AS SOON AS YOU FEEL SATISFIED THAT YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING TO IMPROVE YOUR MOOD ….GO!

BTW – I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH ….DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY …….YOU ARE AWESOME …I LOVE YOU

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on feeling out of sorts

one day I may know why I get these periods of feeling out of step with everything, including me

I went to work today, had a few moments of rest at the river side and home for a cup of coffee. enjoyed a shower and now, sitting down to do some work, I feel slightly odd.

hmm I remember feeling as if I was downloading information earlier – that dizzy feeling I get when things shift, so that’s probably it…me coming to terms with the New

ah well …all is well…..

on lies we tell

I tell lies. mostly to myself. lies about what I can and cannot do. lies about what I am worthy of. lies about my talents and my capacity for loving unconditionally, my ability to tackle new ventures successfully, to practice restraint. oh the list is endless

as I examine the lies I tell, I realise how much I have robbed myself of

for too long I have believed that I am not as talented as others. not as worthy as others. that my task is to blend into the background, and yet anyone who knows me will know what a big lie that is – I am incapable of staying quiet and in the background for any length of time. I recently joined a local group, and at the start I promised myself I would not be my usual bouncy noisy self. that lasted a few meetings. not many ……sigh

it is true that I am not a wallflower. blending never serves me. my innermost desire is to be vocal. to enjoy life to it’s fullest extent. I want to sing and dance and laugh, and to do it with others who are having as much fun as me, even if, in the moment, we may feel a tad uncomfortable with stepping into the limelight. for not quite fitting into the scene in the way that seems more orderly and safe for others.

this aspect of me truly resonates with Marianne Williamsons words about not playing small, as it never serves anyone. I know that this denial of my Self is detrimental to the joy that this lifetime could …and should …be

I am a lighthouse. it is my task to shine brightly and perhaps inspire others to do the same. other people have chosen to be the blenders-into-the-background during their current journey on the planet. those hard working, caring, sorting-things-out sort of people who make life easier for others. but it isn’t my task to follow them.

my task is to lead, to say how I see things, which doesn’t always endear me to others, sadly(that ‘sadly’ is also a lie! when I unsettle another in order for them to see the light of their own Being, I never consider it a sadly thing! it’s much more of a whoop-whoop celebration thing) I am a catalyst. I shine into the dark spaces. I shed light on subjects or aspects that many including me, want to keep hidden

I just can’t play small anymore

I just can’t tell myself those lies anymore

I just can’t rob myself of a glorious, fun, exciting life anymore

the lies stop now! the moment I see them, I will give them a piece of my mind (although I suspect they have been stealing a piece of my mind all along) and send them on their way. the buck stops here

no more playing small

no more hiding my light under a bushel

no more mr nice-guy (um, I will rethink that one)

no more, no more, no more …my time of being in the background is done

More Me

More Abundance

More Everything Our Hearts Desire

More Following the path that leads me to my inner joy!

 

you heard it here first – More Me is coming!!!

 

 

on blank pages

a few days have passed since last I sat down to write. my idea of being a routine once a day blogger never lasts very long, as I tend towards being resistant to routine.

also, my attention span is not what it used to be. it’s to do with being more stressed in a deep seated way than I ever have been before

and perhaps that isn’t true. I had my first (of very few) breakdown moments when I was a young teenager. the boy I had met in the holidays was packing to go to boarding school, and my best buddy, who is still my only real friend from teenage years, was leaving the country. I was upset, but I internalised it all, resulting in me being unable to deal with anything that came my way for about 24 hours. I don’t recall too much of the time, but I do remember lying on the patio being served a glass of orange juice by my mum. not the most dramatic breakdown/breakthrough story ever, but it has stayed with me ….

where I am now, emotionally, is in a minefield. I want to feel things, and yet I know that if I truly acknowledge how I feel about being parted from my loved ones, I will weep for days or hours on end – and yes, releasing the pressure of sadness will serve to some degree, but it sure is not going to change the situation. I will feel better momentarily, and that is a good thing. but breaking down/ breaking through, done in a solitary manner is not going to work for me right now

I would far prefer to be close to someone who gets it – who needs no explanation, does not try to rescue, who just allows me to be …. and perhaps, when I stop crying, ask me if I am all done, at which point, I may cry loads more until that process stops and I feel whole and complete again

soldiering on seems like my plan. good or bad. which is really judgemental so I shall not give it a label

oh, this journey to Self is a tough, meandering, inspiring, frustrating one ….and always, no matter how I feel, I will remember that I am a cyclical creature – the ups and downs are natural

those blank pages …they will wait ….although I may need to consider vlogging – they typing takes time – but has the benefit of me editing before publishing…..

embrace your blank pages – you never know quite what words will land up on them …those words may be images – you never know ..

 

on abandonment

for someone who has always been dearly loved and supported, always having someone around me who has my back, it seems odd to speak of abandonment as far as I am concerned

but I have been abandoned in a way – I have abandoned me. not making plans, not having goals …the reasons for this, I have written about already – and one thing I know for sure, is that when you know better, you do better

to this end, I am continuing this writing. it helps me to stay focused (yes, often on me – but it is me, after all, who is the only person ever with me and it is me I am trying to fix and heal)

what if I stopped abandoning myself – what if I put me first – really, truly? I often feel very self centred, but I know that very many times, maybe too many times, I abandon my own path, my own dreams, my own unformulated goals in order to help others reach theirs. what if I stopped doing that – still help others to attain their goals, because I believe that this aspect of me is one of my lovelier traits

what if I viewed myself just as important as them? what if I gave myself the same level of love and attention? would that diminish me in any way? I doubt it – I believe that playing small is never a beautiful thing – and I play too small. I do – I admit it. I tend to believe that others know more, do better, are more talented, are more worthy …it’s a cross I have borne for too long, and like any other addiction I am finding it challenging to face it and change it.

and let’s be truly honest here – it’s not pretty

so what do I want? what are my goals?

let me indulge myself here – I shall put my wildest most crazy ideas into the universal mix and see what evolves ..

 

I want to teach. I want to heal. those two things are the essence of me

I want to travel, while teaching and healing

I want to live in a lovely home filled with love

I want a business that supports the desires I have for stuff – and anyone who knows me, knows that generally stuff doesn’t matter – at all – but I like nice things – not a lot of things – just nice things. my tactile defensiveness encourages me to have silk, Egyptian cotton, smooth lovely bedding and items

I want a gorgeous car – again, perhaps not top of the range, but one that feels good, that supports my sense of power and independence and frivolity (in reading this in preview mode, I see how I am playing small again- I want the best car ever! the one that suits me. the one that feels snug, steers beautifully, has a camera for reversing, purrs quietly, is great for the environment, has a lovely sound system, a glorious paint job, a sleek profile. I could get used to this – embellishing on what I want!)

I want a beautiful view from my home – gorgeous garden, river, forest, sea, fields ….

I want to own my own home again

I want to feel more flexible – physically, emotionally, mentally, financially

I want to publish my book – as yet unwritten – and have it be of consequence – even if it only every reaches one other being – that’s enough for me. Yes, a best seller would be fabulous for finances – but if my words can support one other persons journey to discovering something that brings them joy, unlocks their mind, broadens their horizon – then so be it- success!

what I really want is to rise each morning with a sense of purpose. I want to then head out into each work day (at most 4 a week) with a sense of purpose, determination to be the best I can be, to feel energised and vital, enjoy the fullness of the day and eat a delicious meal before enjoying an evening of companionship and camaraderie, before heading to the most comfortable bed in the world, and sleeping soundly in anticipation of the new day tomorrow, knowing that there is nothing that will disturb my sleep since all is well in my world

 

is it too much to want? how willing am I to uncover the path that leads me there?

I have no idea – but I am willing to give it a shot – because this playing small and having no dreams and no goals has not served me

 

I am a writer, a healer, a teacher, a dreamer ……………

 

on dreaming

I re-read my last post – which mentioned my dream of being a healer or teacher – and it struck me, based on what I came into this room to say today, that I have never believed my dreams can come true. I have certainly had some fabulously wonderful things happen to me in my life – endless support, emotionally, physically, financially – but I never viewed these blessings as dreams coming true

I have abandoned my dreams because I never believed they could manifest.

that is one of the saddest lines I have ever written about myself

and I dream that I will never have to say it again

from this moment, I have changed. I am no longer the person who wrote those lines a few minutes ago

I have every right to dream

I have every right to have my dreams be made manifest

I claim these rights

I am allowed to imagine that I will own my own home again. I am allowed to visualise my dream home, my dream car, my dream life AND I am also allowed to let them in, work towards them

I am also allowed to create the vision of it all and not care how it comes about – not get drawn down into the process of it, the nitty-gritty details. I do not have to know, right this moment, how it will happen

but unless I hold the vision, how can I ever see it in reality?

first, I have to see it inside – and then I will recognise it when it bounds into my life – and bound it certainly will. I have faith in it – I have a faith in me that I have been denying for too long

if it is to be – it is up to me …and whoever else comes along for the ride and sees a similar vision for himself or herself or themselves. I have no need to let it be me and me alone. together we’re stronger and more able. intelligent collaboration is part of the big plan for me

oh gosh – what a moment it was, twenty minutes ago, when a friends text spurred my thinking. she is living a tough existence right now, underpaid, overworked, unappreciated and she says it is worth it because she has a dream

thank you Bern, because of you, I am dreaming again

because I can

and because it will blow everyone’s socks off when it unfolds – and I love to see those ‘how the hell did you do THAT?’ look on peoples faces

bring it on Universe – I am way past ready for this

let’s do it

 

on writing

can I call myself a writer? I do write. this blog for instance. and another one. sporadically. there may come a day when I write a book – who knows? if ever I come across a subject I deem myself expert on, or a great plot for a novel, then perhaps I will.

as a young child, I loved corresponding with family on the other side of the world. the chance to share information – and the more I wrote, the more replies I got. it was thrilling. the electronic age has wiped out a lot of that sort of communication, but has opened up the world of instant stuff. I love it.

I love the process of taking thoughts, putting it onto the laptop in words, editing it, reframing it, rephrasing it, moulding it to say what I want

and the fabulous offshoot is that I refine my thinking at the same time. I get to question my assertions. is that really true? is that what I really wanted to say? how will these words be perceived by others if ever they are stumbled upon?

do they reflect the real me. my truth? do I mind that my words may be judged?

and as I pose these questions, I get to think about them. I am inspired to re-read my words, and mostly to ensure that each one resonates well with me – and gets my message across. even if I am the only reader.

often, my writing from years back have helped me immensely and then I wonder – are those really my words? was I that wise? and thank goodness I wrote them because I really needed to read them right this red hot minute!

each year, I buy a diary. each year, it is abandoned within weeks. by about June, I wonder if I should try keeping track of things again, because very soon, the new diaries will be out for the following year and how do I justify buying a new one when this one is still  pretty much pristine

clearly, a hand written diary is not my medium. this works for me – the ability to publish my thoughts within minutes of writing them. and being able to easily access them when I need some inspiration, either for an situation I am facing, or to remind myself how much I enjoy the process

since I see the benefits of my writing, I will continue. and one day I will find a way to write that hopefully excludes the word I. for now, I remain – I this, I that, I I I …because this is about me and finding my way forward. and because writing helps me to do that

because

I am a writer