on playing games

oh the games people play now, every night and every day now,

never meaning what they say now, and never saying what they mean

da da da da tra la la…

god Grant me the serenity

to remember Who I Am ….

yes, I have taken liberties with the lyrics I vaguely remember from my youth

I delight in being past the stage of wanting to play games with people. well, that is untrue, really, because I LOVE playing games …board games, cards, word games …

you know which kind I am referring to …those games where you try to outsmart another because of your own insecurities and feeling unworthy of valid and valuable attention. it is infantile. I consider myself blessed to have outgrown it, to be secure in my own skin, certain of my worthiness and the space I inhabit on this planet ….

and it isn’t about not playing games …it is about authenticity. it is about being in alignment with one’s Higher Self.

I am committed to my own personal growth. and the personal growth of those who wish to grow

and I send love and affection to each and every person who is willing to play small in this lifetime

because I have love to offer

and because I wish more for them than they know how to wish for themselves

and because I am a Catalyst for Change

and because I Am


on rising above

today has been an incredibly hard and harsh day for me. oh I know that others are facing far tougher things than I perhaps ever will …but there is enough heartache in this day for me, thank you very much. I shall not be requesting a second helping, that is certain

it is a roller-coaster ride, this life. I have not been in a good frame of mind for some time – longer than I care to remember or admit. the choice I made to uproot myself, leave my friends, inflict myself on a new country on the opposite side of the world from whence I hail, leaving my job of decades, all that is familiar ….letting go of almost every single worldly possession, it left it’s mark. the new career path I chose added to the stress and my loss of self

I recently joined a dating site in order to meet new people – specifically men, as I am incredibly good at drawing women into my circle of friends …men, not so much.

I am in contact with someone on an email basis …he seems delicious but I am cognisant that there are a lot of game-players out there …oh, that is a lie …I am guessing this, based on what social media and the general public like to say ….that there are loads of players out there ….back to the delicious man …it is thrilling to get his emails, but without hearing the human voice behind the words is different to the way of communicating to which I have been accustomed and it leaves me tapping into my old patterns of …I am not worthy of _______________fill in the blank …

I respect the fact that it is a choice he makes – and I collude with it by not asking straight out to be able to talk to him on the phone ….and it is different to the other interactions I have had from the site. one lad had me in fits of laughter for about 20 minutes. and I really enjoyed having some time to just let go, be me, and laugh and chat in a way that is not quite the same with women friends

after having a lovely giggle on the phone last night, and receiving a beautiful letter from the Man with No Voice, and feeling pretty chirpy about life, I had to face some incredibly painful stuff about family. no names, no pack drill they say …suffice to say that it all leaves me with virtually no air to breathe and sucks my will to live

so I have plodded through this day – not very successfully or fruitfully, I may add …but the sun has gone and clearly the day is drawing to a close. with some luck I will ‘sleep it off’ so to speak

for now, it is up to me to rise above the pain and heartache, and to find the happy again. it resides within me, deeply buried today …but it shall rise again ….if there is only one thing, one lesson I can take from my life, is that the darkness never prevails …I rise above it, bit by bitDSC_0552

on vulnerability

during my marriage, I discovered that sharing my innermost thoughts and dreams with my dearly beloved was empowering. sadly, though, not too long into the relationship, there was a new discovery ….after said partner had consumed sufficient alcohol, he would throw a lot of my dreams and desires back at me, sneeringly, laughing them off as fanciful and silly and certainly not worthy of being treasured

can you believe then, that I chose to keep my thoughts to myself? that I all but invalidated them myself. my parents had trained me to play small. and for all that I believed my guy was batting for me, I can see in retrospect how dismissive he was of me. so I learned to shut up. and shut down. more’s the pity – I believe I have always had something to offer to the world and unfortunately I invalidated all those hopes and dreams myself. sigh. so silly

once I had stepped back into being single, and no longer in partnership with those who didnt believe that I had validity, it still took me a very long time to ‘expose’ myself to another in an intimate relationship

I fell in love. deeply, completely, utterly, unconditionally.  not with someone I had met, other than on the internet across continents ….but deeply in love nonetheless

when that all went pear-shaped, I was obviously unhappy that the dreams built on shifting sands were washed away. but oh my word, how delighted I was eventually. this lad had stormed into my life, swept me off my feet …not literally, of course …and the gift I got from it was the discovery of my ability to love fully and completely and without reservation. of course, I have unreserved love for my family …I am mostly referring to that risky romantic love …

however, having made some sort of unconscious vow to never trust a man again, I spent the next ten years creating a fairly happy single life. I am inordinately blessed to have superb friends who are there for me in the same way that I am there for them. the sheer bliss of having someone to talk to, who understands you, and holds your information and words as sacred and not to be scorned or laughed at …that is a treasure – and I have a few of those wonderful people in my life.

I have therefore managed to avoid vulnerability for a while.

I recently moved to the other side of the world and had to create a new social life. easy peasy – join the Womens Insitute and within a short while, those ladies begin to become friends. but it is a group for women. the only men I speak to is the pub landlord when we exchange pleasantries, and the handyman who fixes things around the house! not exactly deep and meaningful relationships or conversations

Bold! I got bold and joined an internet dating site – amidst many pieces of advice from all and sundry about staying safe,  being careful, blah blah blah …I am in my 60’s goddammit and I have played safe and been careful almost every single fucking day of it all! why am I suddenly going to become a brainless idiot?

however, the warnings come from a place of care and good hearts, so I try my best not too sigh too audibly. I recall that when a friend was going off the rails a bit in her 50’s when her husband died, all the others kept saying we needed to keep her safe. my take on it was that J needed to do whatever she wanted (she is also not an idiot). our task, as friends, was to be there if the wheels fell off …superglue at the ready to put her brokenness together if she needed help. she didnt. it all worked out okay.

back to me ….I am risking vulnerability. what seems like an absolute gem of a man has connected with me. I have no proof that he is who he says he is. I have no proof that his photos are him. I certainly hope they are because he is smokin’ HOT!

despite uncertainty, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. we have not exchanged phone numbers. we email each other and he has de-activated his profile on the site. I have no idea why. I am not asking. perhaps because he has connected with me and wants to explore this friendship? who knows…..I know that the information will come to me – I have great trust in knowing that what I am meant to know will reveal itself

right now, I am trusting my gut. I have not fallen head over heels … until such time as I make voice contact, that is not going to happen. we are engaged in that old fashioned idea of being pen pals and that is absolutely perfect for me. he lives 100 miles away, hence no coffee meetings or pub lunches yet. I’m loving the situation just as it is. it is a tad un-nerving if I dont hear from him for a day or two – I start wondering why …and then he connects in such a beautiful eloquent way that it puts a smile on my dial

so here I am, braving and embracing a level of vulnerability for the first time in many many many years ….and it feels good




on dreaming

before I begin to write about my dream – I  need to add that beside me is The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran …and of course, it is where I got the idea of my subject lines …on this …on that ….I had forgotten where it came from ….


today I remembered my long time dream. I had no way of working out how it could possible happen so I think I swept it away

I always had this fanciful idea, this dream, of having a property on a quiet piece of land where I can live in community with others, and have a few hens etc …and it would also be a retreat where others can rest and breathe. perhaps having therapists of all sorts available, courses and workshops etc.

after my sister died I took a lot of strain because of other factors too, and my therapist booked me into a retreat that was also a retirement home for nuns ….it was a silent retreat – no speech aloud – and oh my goodness, what sheer and utter bliss. food available at mealtimes and snacks readily available too – all fairly frugal as one might imagine with frail old nuns, and we were told that although we would eat with others on retreat, we had to consider the space as sacred for each one to communicate with their version of God

it impacted me greatly. and it spurs me on to create something similar for others, where weary souls can rest, where excited souls can learn new things, where lonely people can mingle with kind and generous souls ….or sit quietly in a corner, enjoying coffee and a nibble …a place where they can interact or be contemplative

I am excited about this – because it has been a long buried dream of mine and it is time for it to come into fruition now

wish me luck!

on complexities of life

Growing up, I never knew that I was a philosopher or deep thinker. in fact, much of my life was spent with me believing I was a tad bubble-headed and certainly under educated (and there is part of me that questions this statement, because I was certainly trained to do as I was told and keep quiet and that my opinion did not matter, and yet deep inside I knew for sure how important my thoughts were …are ….perhaps I merely played the game I was ‘supposed’ to play- I was taught to play small)

but I have come to discover that education is more associated with book learning – and I had enough of that at school. I also believed that I had to understand politics and business and finances and mechanical things and that since I didn’t, I was clearly an uneducated creature. and of course, my opinion on most subjects would be poorly thought out – not having attended university and thus never taught about critical thinking, and certainly not sharing my thoughts with others

my opinions on many matters didn’t always match those of my peers. I tended to be able to see both sides of a story fairly easily, leading to my then partner in life accusing me of apathy. dare I admit I needed to look up the meaning? I wore that label for some years until I grew up and realised my strength and abilities, which include having deep thoughts on many subject although usually keeping them to myself. I still tend towards not verbalising my opinions unless I am really passionate about an issue. like abuse. and even then, I see my brain saying that only abused people abuse others, hurt people hurt people ….and I get back to square one of realising that I see two or more sides to stories


M Scott Peck said in his Road less travelled book that Life is Difficult. yes, and life is complex. there is a great part of me that wishes I didn’t do so much thinking, or manage to see different sides to stories. life is surely pretty easy when one doesn’t think too deeply. Routine, habit, ritual ….anathema to me, and yet seemingly so inviting if it can stop the thought processes that tire me out at times

however, that is not my path.

my path is to continually challenge myself, my beliefs and either change myself or be the catalyst for change in others

apathetic I am not ….

a catalyst for change, I am…

and it has struck me now, that all those ‘guru’ type people I have followed for as long as their teaching was relevant in my life…they are all catalysts ….their words shift things in peoples minds …leading others to constantly quote them in conversation or on social media

oh deary me …guru ….no, not my path because …

Gee, You Are You




on energy and unseen stuff

I agreed to attend a demonstration of clairvoyance at the local pub. anyone who knows me well, will know that for a large part of my life I was a member of a Spiritualist Church, so there was none of the thrill and trepidation my friend was experiencing. she has recently been widowed and I think she was kinda hoping ……

earlier in the day, while floating in a warm pool at gym, I pondered on my reason for agreeing to attend. yes, I wanted to be a good friend, so I had said yes to the idea. I am also new to the area and I thought it would be good to meet the gent, as I have not yet met anyone nearby who works in the energy realm in the way that I resonate with and need to begin making some connections with like minded people

eventually I set the intention that since I did not need validation of life after death (been there, done that, got 38 Tshirts) what I did want to get, if he connected with me, is validation of me..on the planet…my journey…my path

an aside : I am Aries …this is my blog …and it will always be about me – which I used to think was rude or self centred but I now applaud myself for constantly looking at Who I Am, how I Am Being …and adjusting where necessary

well, of course the man spoke to me – it was pretty inevitable. he went through some info relating to mum and dad …and if I were cynical, I would say it was fairly generic – and yes, I offered info but only enough to try to extract more from the reading

and then he moved on to me …the part I was really interested in – and his feedback is that I carry a pure clear healing energy …and asked if I sit in a circle. I explained that I am new to the area and he agreed to put me in touch with a local circle. it will be great to meet people with similar understandings of life as I hold ….or not …

he also made it clear that I need to communicate better …suggested that I get a lapis lazuli stone …blue is the communication chakra …

this all made sense to me. for good reason I have been avoiding social media, and yet it is this medium that allows me to speak more freely than I get the chance to in real life. I have things to say, and not a big or close circle of friends in this part of the world yet who are ready or willing to listen. I see things in my own unique way, and I have yearned for a place to express myself …social media allows me this privilege 24/7

avoiding facebook and the like has been tough – not being able to express myself and to keep all my thoughts bottled up was not serving me in any way – other than to leave me feeling a tad impotent and invisible ….I have a voice – I am supposed to use it!

so, all in all a good evening ….I was delighted that someone could see what I know about myself and he has the resources that I can share ….

and then he mentioned a mans name …and I searched my memory banks for someone with that name….and then I did the Macauley Culkin thing in home alone – clapped my hands to my cheeks and my jaw dropped open ..oh my word ….yes I know that name …his funeral was held about 6 hours prior to meeting – I had chosen not to go to this beautiful mans funeral because of the distance, time and costs involved – I had been to see him in hospice a few hours before he died and I felt complete in my goodbye ….I didnt need to be at the public event – being the man he was, I knew that hundreds would turn up

bottom line – with that last bit I knew I could totally trust this man and his reading – I had already known this ….I respond to my gut feel every time ….but bringing up Fireman T in the last few moments sealed the evening for me ….

on what I want

I have become a little confused by my daydreams – or perhaps conflicted is the correct word …

there is a big part of me that wants to grab a great opportunity and run with it – one that takes me everywhere I have ever dreamed of going, doing everything I have ever dreamed of doing, and getting me all the things I have yearned for – recognition, understanding, the chance to teach and inspire and to not only be wise but to be able to share that wisdom with others in a way that uplifts us both and makes life a more pleasurable activity than it sometimes seems …..

I want the career. I want all that goes with it – I want to learn …oh god how much I want to learn but not just for me – it is learning for me to be able to share with the world – and I am going to ignore that it may be egotistical. but it isnt everyone who dreams of standing in a public space, sharing what they know. that would possibly be akin to a nightmare for some …for me, not …I WANT it! with every fibre of my being. I am beginning to understand that despite there being hundreds of people – perhaps thousands of people – perhaps even millions of people doing what I want to do doesnt matter – no-one else can teach, share, impart in the way that I can. I am unique, as are all the others …and so I am claiming this dream and not ever going to discount it again! I have something to offer – my own unique perspective.

I have been inspired by so many people – famous or not. I am who I am partly because of each of them. Writer Richard Bach. Deepak Chopra. Oprah. Ellen. Neal Donald Walsh. Some of these people still inspire me. others have faded in my mind. Many friends adore the teaching of Eckhart Tolle. omg I cannot abide the way this man delivers his information. based on this, I know that there is still a place for me.

at the same time, I also want to be a home maker. I enjoy pottering about, cooking a meal, baking a cake, lounging around reading. watching a movie. playing word games. I love toddling along to darts and WI and meeting friends for tea.

I want it all. so I guess I need to create the scenario in my mind that allows me to go off to learn, then go off to share that learning, and then relax doing the stay at home and enjoying flirting with the idea of being a hermit

it isnt much to ask, is it? I dont believe that I have lived such a lucky supported blessed life just to fade into nothingness for the last twenty years or so …there is so much more to still achieve ……